I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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