So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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