I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
