Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
