Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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