When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
