Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
