I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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