he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
did you just send me my own nude
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
