We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
