Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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