you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
