you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
