you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
