Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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