a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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