i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
