well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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