I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
