Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
foreskin is a definite game changer
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
