Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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