final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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