Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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