i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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