I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
