I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
