Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
