When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
