I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
