Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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