Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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