Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
