Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize