I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Who died my cat blue again?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
