ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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