Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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