How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
