My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Of course I have a pirate flag
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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