i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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