DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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