My hair reeks of homosexuality.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
