Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
