I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
