I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
