I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
