We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
