There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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