ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
