Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
