Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
