why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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