allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
