new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He better not be in your backpack
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
