Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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