You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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