I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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