I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
