trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
my liver is dry heaving
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
