if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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