All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
