see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
