I heard we made out
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
