Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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