get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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