I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize