there's paper in my vomit.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
