i can't believe i had my finger in that
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
