I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Randomize
