my shit smells like andre
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
