Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
