So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Randomize
