Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He? As in you personified your dick?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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