Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
