he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
