What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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