He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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